Step 10 of the 12 Steps- Building Markers

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

In anthropology, the study of humans, their cultures, and their emigrational moves from Southern Africa to the various continents of the worlds, one of the earliest pieces of evidence, looked for by anthropologists of human presence, is found in stones. Stones piled in an unusual way, or fitted together, or erected in a particular formation, like Stonehenge, are often the first indicators of an ancient human presence.

Stones were used by ancient humans for thousands of years before the refinement and firing of various ores into metal took place. But even before rocks were used as tools, they were used as fire boundaries, as altars, markers, and memorials.

It’s a tradition, a human endeavor, which has never stopped. Distance markers laid by ancient Greek then Roman armies are still found throughout Europe, North Africa, and the Middle East. Stone monuments and stone plaques built into walls are still an affirmation of the stone’s permanent qualities over the impermanence of human flesh. We have grave markers built for loved ones- a continuing, modern manifestation of something which began happening even before humans had a language or the tools to write on rocks with.

A pile of stones- in the form of a circle, or in the carved heads on Easter Island, or in the form of a pyramid in Egypt or Mexico, or a carved commemorative cornerstone, or a headstone up here at Oak Grove- a pile of stones, or a special stone, is a primary and certain indicator of human habitation. We are, after all, the only species aware our impermance and therefore the only species which has developed both a need and the skills to use rocks in these ways.

Here’s part of a story from Genesis that shows rocks being used in a particular way that has everything to with Step 10 of the Twelve Steps. It’s OK if yo don’t see the connection yet, because you will.

Jacob was Abraham’s son, the father of Judaism. Jacob was the leader of a band of families, all related to Abraham, and which included Laban and his sons. Bands of families, like some churches, even some countries, occasionally get to squabbling with each other over real or perceived problems and either fight it out, or go their separate ways. Jacob and Laban, lucky for newly born people of Israel, decided to go their separate ways when Laban’s sons accused Jacob of keeping all the good livestock for himself. Which is exactly what Jacob had been doing.

Genesis 31: 45-55

⁴⁵So Jacob took a stone, and set it up as a pillar. ⁴⁶And Jacob said to his kinsfolk, ‘Gather stones,’ and they took stones, and made a heap; and they ate there by the heap. ⁴⁷Laban called it Jegar-sahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed. ⁴⁸Laban said, ‘This heap is a witness between you and me today.’ Therefore he called it Galeed, ⁴⁹and the pillar Mizpah, for he said, ‘The Lord watch between you and me, when we are absent one from the other. ⁵⁰If you ill-treat my daughters, or if you take wives in addition to my daughters, though no one else is with us, remember that God is witness between you and me.’

51 Then Laban said to Jacob, ‘See this heap and see the pillar, which I have set between you and me. ⁵²This heap is a witness, and the pillar is a witness, that I will not pass beyond this heap to you, and you will not pass beyond this heap and this pillar to me, for harm. ⁵³May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor’—the God of their father—‘judge between us.’ So Jacob swore by the Fear of his father Isaac, ⁵⁴and Jacob offered a sacrifice on the height and called his kinsfolk to eat bread; and they ate bread and tarried all night in the hill country.

Now Laban saw this particular rock pile as a witness, a reminder to Jacob that if Jacob wouldn’t be watching him, God was. And he also saw the pile of rocks as a line in the sand, a boundary. “That’s your side, this is my side”- like two kids fighting in the back seat of a car. The rock pile was made official by breaking bread over it and eating before each party went its separate way.

Whichever role the rock pile officially played for the tribes of Jacob and Laban, it was an important role. It was a reminder of God’s presence, or it was a boundary. Which is what Step 10 is: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

By now, we’ve come a long way. To have come this far in the Steps means we are looking outward for answers and guidance, toward God as we know God, and not inward, toward ourselves, who we now know we really didn’t know very well at all. We, those of us who really thought we needed alcohol, have been surrounded now for weeks by people who, we’ve learned, were also really messed up but who have been able to live sober. We have become dependent on their stories, their encouragement, their insight into themselves and us.

We’ve looked hard and long at ourselves, figuring out, piecing together where we’d gone wrong, when we had stopped drinking alcohol and when alcohol had begun drinking us. We made the first faltering, hesitant attempts to turn those shortcomings over to God, as God sits there with us in the hearts, love, and presence of people who not only want us to get well but believe we can get well.

We’ve even begun to make some amends. We’ve found out that some persons we hurt in our addictions have sometimes been hurt beyond any chance of healing. Others are skeptical as the dickens, which they should be; they don’t want to be hurt again. And some accept our stumbling, inadequate apologies.

We are, at this point, maybe at our weakest, most dangerous point in the whole 12 Step process. Because this is where we begin to say, way too often, sometimes repeatedly, to ourselves. “Hmm..I’ve done pretty good so far. I’ve come a long way.”

And indeed we have. We’ve been sober now for six weeks, six months, six years- however long it is- when those suicide bomb statements about ourselves to ourselves come bubbling to the surface. And I know that it’s not hard to remember saying those kinds of things about a whole range of bad habits humans suffer with.

“I’ve not smoked a cigarette for two months now..pretty good!”

“I’ve made it a whole week without complaining to anyone about anything..I must be getting better!”

“I’ve not clicked onto a porn site in a month,” “I’ve not gone shopping crazy since last Christmas,” “I’ve not had a hit, a snort, a poke, a taste, in a year now and I’m feeling great!

Amen, amen, amen to all those statements- hallelujah for you! Here’s your 30 day, 60 day, six month, one year token, we’re proud of you!

But it’s then, on the way home, sitting alone in front of the TV, or waking up one morning with the pressures of the day already accumulating, that the other part of those self-congratulatory statements gets spoken: “I think I’ve got it under control. In fact, I feel like a new person, I really do. I feel great!” Then:

“I think I’ll have a drink. Just one, for old time’s sake. I know how to handle it now.”

If you have never put that set of sentences together yourself, then you know people who have. And we all know the rest of the story is worse than the first chapters.

Which is why Step 10 is vital. It is a never, never-ending step for anyone who ever wants to change their ways, by allowing God to change their ways. We’ve got to keep to door of vulnerability open to God. We’ve got to know that the chemistry, the physiology of our brains that made us crazy to drink- or whatever- in the first place, is still the template to which our actions will default. Nothing has changed except our perspectives and our relationship to some new, also formerly weak people and to God. The synapses in our brain are still sitting up there by the millions like dry sponges waiting to be wetted down by golden liquids.

“I know how to handle it now.” We know that demonic thought is always on its way to being said. And there is a great one word, two syllable, unquotable response which we also need to be ready to make to ourselves when that lie is ready to be spoken. And if that’s the first line of defense for you, so be it, put your head in a pillow and scream until you believe it.

But you can also, while you’re still climbing the hill of the Twelve Steps, do something else which is of far greater permanence, and won’t scare the kids if they were to catch you screaming into a pillow.

You can build rock piles. Along the way, you can start building memorials of where you were on a given day in your struggle. You can start, early on, to build boundaries around your new perceptions and your new behavior that will remind you that there are places you cannot cross into again. There are fences which must separate you from the grass on the other side no matter how green it seems to be.

One of those rock-piles can be coming out of your anonymity. That’s not for everyone, but it is for some of us. I’m open about my own problems for two reasons: the second is so that others with the same problem will know that they have a friend. They really do. But the first reason I’m open about it is that the more people I tell, the more people I’m accountable to. I don’t want you ever to have to hear that your cousin’s daughter-in-law’s boss’s sister saw me at the liquor store in Bryson, Wichita Falls, or Fort Worth or anywhere else. It’s protection. It’s a boundary line for me. Every single one of you helps me, whether you knew it or not, to never drink again.

Another rock pile marker is, as I said before, a Jacob reminder that while no one is watching, God is. And I don’t think God is watching us with a scorecard in one hand a lightening bolt blow gun in the other. I think God is watching us with hope. God is my co-pilot, you remember that famous poem from WWII. Well, I think of God as my cheerleader, too. God is our cheerleader. God cheers while the rest of the world doubts. God hopes for us when the rest of the world has given up. God is even there to scream into a pillow with us, I think, and so it is entirely appropriate to build a heap of stones, a pillar, to God. A picture on the wall that only you know the real meaning of. A rock on the fireplace, an altar in the backyard that you can see from the window over the sink, a plastic Jesus ridin’ on the dashboard of your car, it doesn’t matter. Build it, because those self-deluding lies are always looming, waiting to be born. Again.

And one more thing when those lies start to be said, promptly admit it. That’s where a sponsor, a pastor, a wife, a husband, a confidant, is vital. Don’t pretend to be strong. We’re not, admit it. Don’t pretend that it doesn’t matter to anyone that we are wrestling again. It does.

Step 10 must never stop. It is yet another way to pray, as Paul said, continuously. Or as Jesus prayed, “Deliver us from evil.” Because that is what anything that separates us from the love of God, the cheerleading of God, is.

No one with a predilection toward bad behavior can afford to think of themselves as invincible, in control, or on top of whatever that “problem” is. We never were in control before, and we will never be in full control again. The process of self-examination, of gaining new insights, must be on-going.

It is possible for awhile, to act sober while all the old stimulations and wrong attitudes are still pinging away inside. That’s called being a “sober drunk.” It’s like driving a car with no oil: it will get us down the highway a little ways, but at some point, the engine’s going to blow.

That’s why we maintain our engines. That’s why we must maintain our sobriety. We must constantly be shedding the weight of burdensome attitudes- losing the baggage that got us where we were, where we never want to be again.

Rock piles- markers which point us to God, and away from ourselves, help us do that.